Preview columns suck. There are a million of ’em and no one gives a shit about what other people think is going to happen. For the most part, most of them will be very wrong and reading them is a waste of time. But with all that said, I’m putting one out there with a few superlatives rather than just standings and a Super Bowl pick. So here goes…
First Coach Fired: John Fox
I know what you’re thinking. “Hey Jake, don’t be so ugly. Joining the haters is a bad karma move.” Well, I don’t subscribe to the theory that it’s unacceptable to speculate about someone losing their job. And John Fox is going to be that someone. After he plays long-neck Mike Glennon for too long and the Bears limp to a 1-7 record, he’ll get the boot on the bye week.
Surprisingly Shitty Team: Atlanta
Maybe it’s not that big of a surprise to say that Atlanta will struggle this year. I mean how do you really come back from being humiliated like they were? But I’ll take it all the way and say they go 5-11 in a season from hell. #EmbraceTheSuck
Most Interesting Player That You Haven’t Heard Of: Younghoe Koo
Yup, the San Diego Chargers new Korean kicker has the name Younghoe. He’s about to become a folk hero.
Team That Will Sign Colin Kaepernick: Denver Broncos
Let’s just add another terrible QB to the fold!
Team That Is Going To The Super Bowl To Lose To The Patriots: Green Bay
I feel like it’s an easy pick, but I’m just convinced that we ARE getting the Brady-Rodgers bowl. After going 14-2, they’ll lose to the undefeated Pats on a Rex Burkehead 75 yard TD run.
The Fantasy Player You Are Going To HATE: Paul Perkins and Dalvin Cook
It’s a tie between two guys that will frustrate every owner that was dumb enough to draft them.
Amount of Games That Zeke Elliott Will Play: 11
His suspension will get reduced, by one game.
The Playoff Team You Didn’t See Coming: Los Angeles Chargers
The Chargers have a lighter schedule and a healthier team. I like them A LOT.
The Concussion-Prone Star That Will Have His Career Start To Dwindle: Luke Kuechly
I really hate to say this, but I don’t feel good about Luuuuuke and the head trauma he’s had.
The Guy Who’s Going To Get Too Much Hard Knocks Hype: Jameis Winston
I also don’t like saying this because I’m on the Jameis Train. But honestly, I’m feeling way worse in just the past week or so. I don’t think he’s gonna kill it like everyone wants him to.
That’s that, enjoy kickoff tomorrow night folks. Football is upon us.